I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
