If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
