apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
