morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
