so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
