phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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