you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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