i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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