My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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