there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
where am i from again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
