My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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