I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize