I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
