Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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