i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
