And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
