I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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