she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
