Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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