Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
