Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize