They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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