I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
