At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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