My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
