Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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