Christians are straight up FREAKS
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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