dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
