seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
