i think my tv is drunk
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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