You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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