all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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