at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize