My Higher Power is John Stamos
I met the friendliest cop last night
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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