All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
