A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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