i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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