I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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