it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
