End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
