Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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