I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
