Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So many bounce houses so little time
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
