You're earring is so big in my mouth
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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