Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
