if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
