we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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