Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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