he wants to bone in the snuggie
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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