He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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