she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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