Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize