dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
