I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
