i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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