Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
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