I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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