this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize